


Shinobi are Insane

by Pinepickled



Series: Tumblr promps! [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki AU, Christmas gift, Fluff, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Implied Angst, Kissing, M/M, Other, akatsuki shenanigans, fuck konoha, poor Iruka, sensei needs a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28229793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinepickled/pseuds/Pinepickled
Summary: A christmas gift~  Where Kakshi and Obito get into a fight and the rest of the gang need to fix it.
Relationships: Hagane Kotetsu/Kamizuki Izumo, Hatake Kakashi/Uchiha Obito, Implied Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka/Uchiha Obito
Series: Tumblr promps! [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2058951
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	Shinobi are Insane

Iruka bit his lip in worry, and quickly jumped into the bushes to hide from the oncoming shinobi. He knew that logically, hiding in the bushes from Hatake and Obito of the Twin Sharingan was very pointless, but he did it anyway. Iruka doubted they would care to notice him, as they were both arguing rather fervently. 

It was one of the few days it didn't rain in Ame. Nagato had taken Konan and Sakura to a picnic in the fields, practically running away from the two insistent little boys who demanded he teach them how to manifest the Rinnegan. Naruto and Sasuke, after being outrun by their flighty older brother, had gone to bug Iruka about learning new jutsu. Iruka was deeply ashamed when he couldn't teach them anything they really wanted to know- he was a chuunin at best, and only liked to care for children. He had no fancy jutsu to teach them.

So Iruka had swallowed his pride and went out to find one of the jounin level rogue-nin around their little village to teach them something, and had come across the two halves of the legendary Sharingan arguing with each other. Iruka was sure that Fire Country had frozen over. The two never,  _ ever  _ fought. Ever. It didn't happen. They always got along, arm in arm, spouting ridiculous excuses for their tardiness and feeding off of each other's energies. They just didn't fight. Iruka's head kept going in circles between those thoughts, nearly short circuiting at the thought that  _ Obito-san  _ and  _ Kakashi-san  _ were  **fighting?** It was too much for him. Iruka didn't even bother to hear what they were fighting about, only ran as fast as possible until he crashed straight into Maito Gai and got knocked on his ass where the rogue nin didn't even look phased. 

"A-ah, Gai-san, I didn't see you there." Iruka squeaked, holding his scrolls close to his chest in some pathetic attempt to look put together. Gai only laughed heartily, before roughly pulling Iruka off the ground and nearly breaking his spine with a few pats on the back.

"What has you in such a rush, Sensei?" Gai asked cheerfully, beaming that classic smile. It always embarrassed Iruka a little… no, a lot, that so many powerful ninja insisted on calling him sensei. He only babysat the children, and he was 70% convinced they were all making fun of him, but what could he do? He was a glorified babysitter who happened to disagree with the way Konoha ran and got dragged along for this weird, confusing ride. Iruka wanted to just get up and run away again, but he knew that Gai was completely able and more than willing to just pick him up and shake him around until he told the truth. He learned that the hard way.

"Kakashi-san! He and Obito-san were arguing and I- I didn't want to be caught up in it." He said quickly, gesturing to where he just came from. Gai's expression turned thoughtful, a deep frown marring his usually cheerful face.

"They were fighting…? Did you hear over what?" He asked. Iruka shook his head sadly, chastising himself for running away so quickly.

"No, but it looked bad… I mean, it has to be if they're fighting anyway!" He said, Gai nodding in agreement.

"We should go tell the others. If Kakashi and Obito fall out, it could pose danger for us all." Gai announced, before sprinting off leaving a trail of dust behind. Iruka tried to follow him for a few seconds before realizing it was pointless. Even Kakashi struggled to keep up with the man, and they had been rivals for decades. Iruka sighed, and turned to go find Naruto and Sasuke before they got into trouble again, but Gai slid in front of him before he could even move.

"Haha! Sorry, my little friend! I know my speed is too much for someone like yourself!" Gai declared cheerfully, before promptly picking Iruka up, throwing him over his impossibly muscled shoulder, and sped off once more. All Iruka could do was tightly hold on to his scrolls before being promptly dropped onto a couch next to… Kakuzu and Hidan. Iruka squeaked and tried to get up, but Hidan already had his scythe over Iruka's lap and was looking at the older man like he'd make a particularly good sacrifice for Lord Jashin. Not uncommon for Hidan, as the younger man had a habit of flirting with Iruka for whatever reason he'd devised in his strange, strange mind. Kakuzu was counting money, as usual.

"So, my immortal friends… Kakashi and Obito are fighting." He said solemnly, face uncharacteristically serious. The hand that had been slithering up Iruka's thigh froze, and the soft  _ flick _ of the money in Kakuzu's stitched hands went silent. It spoke volumes that the two headstrong and ambitious men on his either side had frozen completely for something like Kakashi and Obito fighting- it just didn't happen. Kakuzu put down his money and Hidan sat up straight. It was that serious. 

Before Gai could continue, Kakuzu spoke up.

"We should gather the others. This could be a real emergency, it will be better to have all hands on deck." He intoned, dark eyes fixed on Gai as the green beast nodded. Kakuzu quickly wove a jutsu, and in seconds there were many jounin-level rogue nin piling into the little room they were occupying. Genma came in first, poisoned senbon hanging loosely out of his mouth, Izumo and Komatsu walking in right after him looking a little… ruffled. A few moments later, Hayate and Kurenai came in, Hayate coughing as usual and Kurenai politely handing him cough-drops. Asuma strolled in after them, untangling the InoShikaCho kids from where they were perched in his arms and telling them in the fondest voice possible to "fuck off." Ino responded by calling him an old shit, before running off with her two boys. 

Inoichi walked in next with a tired look on his face, carrying Shikaku on his back and being fed small morsels of a giant plate of food that Choza was holding. Shibi and Mukade Aburame were next, Mukade setting their son down with instructions to find "the shy one" and "the one who doesn't like fleas". Tsume arrived next, Zabuza trailing after her and Haku behind him. Finally, any of the nin who would reasonably show up had gathered in the same place. They all looked expectantly at Iruka for some odd reason- even Gai! Once Iruka realized that they likely wouldn't speak until Iruka said his piece, the man swallowed his anxiety and spoke as confident as possible- which, when surrounded by high level, slightly insane ninja, was kinda hard. 

"Kakashi-san and Obito-san were fighting! I didn't hear why, but it looked bad." He rushed out, resorting to sinking into the couch to get away from their intense stares. Iruka sighed in relief when they looked away, instead beginning to discuss this revelation. Zabuza spoke up first.

“While it is rare, I don’t think it’s much of an issue. When it comes to serious issues that affect us all, Kakashi and Obito wouldn’t fight, much less among themselves only. Obito probably just ate Kakashi’s pudding cup again.” He said confidently. Iruka was instinctively hesitant to write it off so quickly- he’d rarely ever seen the two fight each other like that, and over a pudding cup? It couldn’t compute in Iruka’s brain, but… Zabuza was one of the closest with Kakashi here, tied right with Gai, and he tended to have a more rational approach to the man then the green beast did. Haku also had an unconcerned, mischievous expression on his face, and he never made such a face when presented with serious issues. Iruka was about to relax and apologize for the inconvenience, when Izumo spoke up.

“Still, I think we should do something to at least confirm that it isn’t a serious fight. Me and Kotetsu have the night guard this round, but I’m sure if we ask them to fill in for us they’d do it, especially if they’re trying to keep this argument for us. We’ll all be somewhere nearby, and the other guards will keep ears out. The thing is, we were supposed to guard the west with Naruto as training, but if he’s there they won’t talk.” The other rogues pondered this thought, and one by one slowly turned their sights on Iruka. He had a bad feeling about those stares.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And just like that, Iruka was sitting anxiously at the front entrance holding three portable ramen cups and with more kunai in his pouch than he’d had in a while. Sure, almost everyone had assured him that with Kakashi and Obito there with their Twin Sharingan, he’d barely need to lift a finger should an attack commence, but still! Of course, Iruka didn’t want to be completely useless either, so he’d made some ramen with a very uncooperative Naruto and an even less cooperative Sasuke. At least Naruto  _ liked  _ ramen, but Sasuke was just tipping the pot over with his little fireproof hands for the hell of it- is what he’d said to deny that he’d tipped it over so Naruto could catch it in his mouth. It didn’t end well.

The grown ninja were no better. Once they had all split up, some going off to tell the Akatsuki members not in the hideout about what had gone on and others making preparations for the operation that night, Shibi had approached him and asked if he could plant a kikaichu on Iruka so more people could be privy to the Twin Sharingan’s conversation. Iruka obviously didn’t object- it immensely relieved him that Shibi had asked first- but did it need to be a butterfly? Sakura had given him a very passive aggressive comment earlier that day on it before giving him the finger as Zabuza carried her off to the lake by the scruff of her dress. Iruka had no clue how that dynamic had come to be, and at this point he was too afraid to ask. At least the butterfly was pretty, and looked almost exactly like the hairpins Akimichi women liked to wear.

This wasn’t even mentioning what Genma had told him earlier that day. “Mah, Sensei, of course they wouldn’t care if you’re there! Like we all know you’re a rogue nin too, have the whole crossed out headband and everything, but even civilians don’t flinch when you walk by. Plus, Kakashi knew you beforehand and Obito follows Kakashi’s lead, even if they’re fighting. You’re really the best candidate!” He’d said, not a care in the world. When Iruka tried to protest, Genma had adopted a mean smirk and sweetly offered one of his aphrodisiac senbons for Iruka to chew on. Iruka had accepted after that.

Iruka startled out of his musings when Kakashi and Obito walked in, looking as annoyed and tired as two people with the majority of their face covered could. Iruka gave a quick greeting and offered up the soup, hoping they wouldn’t pay too much attention to him. Of course, whenever you’re in the same area as jounin-level shinobi, you’re bound not to get your way. Sane people never do.

“Ne, Sensei, thanks for the ramen. Heard Naruto gave you a bit of trouble earlier today with that.” Kakashi commented, taking a sip without ever removing his mask. Iruka forced himself not to stare at that particular phenomena, and answered as calmly as possible.

“Yeah, he’s a bit of a handful. He’s so well meaning, though, so I can’t ever be mad at him.” He said, chuckling fondly. Obito leaned forward to carefully take the soup from Iruka, and his one visible eye fixated on the butterfly in Iruka’s hair.

“What’s with that? Did Ino bully you again? You know you can ask any of the others if they can help you out with the rascals every now and then, especially if you’re too soft hearted to dole out any discipline.” he said, tone serious. Iruka was about to scold the man, but clicked his jaw shut when he saw Obito grinning at him. Iruka was too stressed to handle a fully grown, extremely dangerous jokester. The teacher spared a moment to lament how he would be treated once Naruto grew up and ganged up on him with Obito, then quickly shoved it out of his mind.

Iruka tensed, preparing to continue the conversation, but Obito and Kakashi were back in their own little world. Obito had a serious and concerned face, dark red eyes boring into Kakshi’s steely gray ones, and Iruka had to look away. As he did so, he saw Shisui’s raven perched in a tree, right next to a raven chick. Sasuke must have caught onto their little plan, and insisted he join- not that the Uchiha child needed to insist too terribly. Every older Uchiha spoiled him rotten- if not for the vivid memories of his time in Konoha and the small missions into the village afterwards, Sasuke would truly be spoiled. All the more reason to spoil him more, in the older Uchiha’s eyes. Iruka snapped out of his musings when he heard Kakashi’s harsh voice.

“I can’t do it Obito. I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know how or why, I just can’t.” The silver-haired man spat, face distraught. Obito looked equally upset, looking at the Hatake with pleading eyes.

“Kakashi, is it them? Is it that village? Is it the headband, our mission, the kids,  _ what is it? What’s  _ **_keeping you from me?_ ** ” Obito demanded, getting up from his chair. Kakashi could only shake his head, but Iruka could tell the other man was greatly upset as well. Iruka had no clue what they were talking about- he couldn’t fathom something so dangerous and unavoidable that Kakashi of all people couldn’t avoid it, much less  _ not know what it was. _ But Iruka’s question was answered mere seconds later.

“Stay still.” Obito snarled, and Iruka flinched involuntarily. He’d never heard Obito take that tone of voice outside the battlefield, and to Kakashi? Never. Obito leaned over the still seated Hatake and removed the mangled hitai-ate that hid his sharingan eye, doing the same for Kakashi. The Twin Sharingan looked at each other with the same eyes, and in one fluid motion Obito removed Kakashi’s mouth and planted a gentle, chaste kiss to his lips. Iruka swiftly looked away, and pondered just running off as the noises behind him grew more indecent in nature. All of a sudden, the noises stopped, and Iruka took a curious glance behind him to see what had occured. 

Kakashi and Obito were both fixated on him, Twin Sharingan looking eerily into Iruka’s own eyes, before a grin split across Obito’s face.

“Your turn, you little sneak you! Can’t have you going off to tell the others about this, can we?” He said, maniacal grin stretched across his scarred face. Iruka had half a mind to ask what he was talking about, but a fast hand snatched the butterfly from his hair, and suddenly Iruka’s shirt was being grabbed and dragged to the other side of the table.

After that night, Iruka vowed to mind his own business. Shinobi were insane, after all. And their problem solving skills were just terrible!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this little read! Comments make me happy, and motivate me to work more!


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